During my high school years I worried about my grades, about my upcoming music and cheerleading competitions, and about my on again/off again relationship with the first boy I ever loved. I fretted about my out-of-control thick hair and why that girl never liked me. (I still don’t know.) The list of worries was lengthy.
In college I was mistakenly taught that because Jesus clearly says, “Do not worry,” I was sinning when I worried because I wasn’t following His command. So then I worried about my worrying. I didn’t want to be sinning with my frequent anxiety, but at times I felt helpless. I spent many nights awake at 2 and 3 a.m., thinking of an endless to-do list, fretting about an upcoming deadline, and feeling anxious about my on again/off again relationship with the second boy I ever loved. (Eventually I married the third boy I ever loved, so that got crossed off the list. Whew!) Being a mother led me face-to-face with my anxiety in new, more palpable ways. Now I had two more humans beings to worry about during my sleepless nights. Were they making friends? What about that geometry test on Monday? Did I remember to sign up for rec league basketball? Why won't they eat vegetables? I've come a long way since the night I didn't sleep at all as a 6th grader worried about a standardized test, but there are still nights that I will wake at 1 or 2 a.m. and struggle to get back to sleep. My faith in Christ provides a firm foundation as I remember to entrust Him with my cares. But it's not a Magic Eraser that has cured me forever of my proclivity to worry. It should come as no surprise, then, that COVID-19 has added to my list of worry. In addition to the health of my immediate family, I think about my parents and mother-in-law, all in the age category that puts them at a higher risk. My physician brother will be face-to-face with the virus, and my dear cousin is currently holed up in his apartment in New York City. As a mother, of course, my mind always turns to my kids. Are they handling this okay? How much will their academic life suffer? Again, why won't they eat vegetables? In terms of financial uncertainty, I worry for my friends who own small businesses or have been laid off from their jobs. I think about our local economy -- restaurants and breweries and museums I've come to love. What will this world look like when we come out on the other side? The uncertainty of it all steals my breath, causes my pulse to quicken. Is this shortness of breath anxiety or the first symptoms of the virus? Last night, however, when I woke and my busy mind whirled to life, I practiced some visualization. I pictured myself wrapping my worries in boxes according to category. HEALTH CONCERNS, FINANCIAL CONCERNS, KID CONCERNS. After my boxes were wrapped and sealed tight, I pushed them away to Jesus. I knew they would still be there in the morning, but I let Him hold them for the night. And just like that, I fell back to sleep. I am a work in progress. If I don't limit my intake of news and social media, I feel overwhelmed and frantic. So I breathe. And pause. And push my worries away for a time. Are you worrier? What's helping you handle this unbelievable world we find ourselves living in?
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September 2020
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