Disclaimer #1: I do not want this to read like a critique of my son's teachers or my current employer. It is not that. Disclaimer #2: I have some fiery emotions right now, and I want to spit it out in words. This will be more like a freewrite than a well-organized blog post. This isn't a parenting blog, but it might be helpful to disclose that my sons, adopted at ages 7 and 8, have backgrounds in trauma. One way this has impacted my oldest son, now 12, is in his extreme desire to "earn" love. His self-worth is all wrapped up in others' perceptions of him. I could say more, but out of respect for his privacy, I think that's enough for now. Twice this week his desire to achieve has manifested itself in his academic world. His fifth grade class uses Accelerated Reader for their Language Arts classes. While he's already reached his goal for this grading period, he's made a personal goal that reaches far beyond his stated goal. After racing through two large Harry Potter books, he started with Hatchet on Monday. Those who know this child of mine know that he has a great love of the outdoors. This book was totally in his wheelhouse. He was sucked in by the first chapter. Then on Tuesday when he came home from school to start his reading homework, he said, "I'm not reading Hatchet anymore. It's not worth enough points." *sigh* I'm an English teacher who has dealt with the effects of middle school AR on high school readers who come to me with an ingrained hatred of and resentment for reading. That's a blog post for another day. My son knows that right now I have two goals for him as a reader: 1) Enjoy reading. 2) Choose texts you can comprehend. He's heard my sermon about his AR obsession several times, and my words aren't sticking. Luckily he has an understanding teacher who is working alongside me to figure out how to help him navigate this, but in the meantime he is a broken record of "Mom, will you be proud of me if I get ___ points?" "Do you think my teacher will be impressed?" "No, child, no. You are missing the point." Our fifth graders also have constant access to technology with our 1:1 laptop system. What a privilege to be a learner in the 21th century! However, this access also means 24/7 access to his online grade book. To say that he is obsessed with his grades is a pretty serious understatement. This was our conversation at dinnertime. J: "I have to miss recess tomorrow to retake a test. I want to improve my grade." Me: "Okay." J: "It's for Social Studies. I have a B+ right now. I want to retake the test so I can have an A. I got a 3.75 out of 4, but I need a 4." Me: *sigh* Again, approximately 73 times a week I tell this sweet son of mine that I don't care about his grades; I care about his learning. Yes, I want him to try hard, but ultimately I want him to realize that my love for him is not connected to his achievement. (I will pause to say that I realize parents will read this and think, "Ooh, I would love if my child cared about his/her grades." My son doesn't "care" about his grades, though. He obsesses over them. And it's never about the learning. It's just about the score.) I don't want this to be one of those "when I was a kid we walked to school uphill both ways" stories, but I will tell you this: When I was in fifth grade, I didn't have a bloody clue what my grades were until my parents came home from P/T conferences with my report card. And because I was still in elementary school in fifth grade, I'm pretty sure I was looking at "satisfactory" descriptors rather than traditional letter grades. The thing is, the system is broken. I am part of the broken system. I see my high school students with the same struggles. They need the 4.0 to get the scholarships to get into the college to get the job to pay off the student loans to..... to what? To live happily ever after? I hope so. In the meantime they deal with extreme anxiety that leads to health problems, lack of sleep, broken relationships, and unhealthy addictions. Have we always been this obsessed with achievement? When did school become more about grades and less about learning? Is this current drive for achievement serving our society well? As always, my blog post offers more questions and provides few answers. Tonight, I will say this: I'm tired.
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